Interfaith parenting
Author: Meg H. Partington

Living in an interfaith household has been a mind- and faith-expanding journey for the Ancker family.
Dr. Robert Ancker is a second-generation Bahá’í, following in the path of his father, who was a Presbyterian before joining the newest of the world religions. Robert’s wife, Dr. Robyn Hitchcock Ancker, was raised in the Methodist Church.
According to a booklet outlining the Bahá’í faith published by Bahá’í Publishing Trust, among the basic beliefs are that there is only one God; all religions share a common foundation; and people of all races, nations, economic groups and religious backgrounds are equal in the sight of God.
“It’s sort of against their religion to be prejudiced against other religions,” Robyn says, which makes meshing faiths much easier.
When the Winchester, Va., couple’s daughters, Nadia, 7, and Natalie, 5, started asking questions about God and what happens to people when they die, the Anckers decided it was time to enroll them in some religious education classes.
On Sundays, the girls go to Sunday School at the Methodist Church their mother attends while she goes to a class for adults. Robert stays home with their son, Nicky, 2. Then Robyn takes care of Nicky while the girls attend Bahá’í Sunday School and their father participates in devotions.
Robyn also meets with a member of the Bahá’í community weekly to study readings and educate herself about the faith.
The Anckers are following the Bahá’í principle of “independent investigation of truth,” allowing their children to explore both parents’ faiths, Robyn says. “We’ve kind of left the door wide open,” she says.

A change in plans
Before Laura and Chris Newberry were married, religion really wasn’t an
issue.
“Neither of us were overly religious,” Laura Newberry says.
Laura was raised Jewish but fell out of practice in college. Chris was a nondenominational Christian whose parents attended various churches when he was young.
Since the Smithsburg, Md., pair began dating, they have attended High Holy Day observances at Congregation B’nai Abraham in Hagerstown, Md. Chris says he has attended services there more than at any other place of worship.
Before being married by a cantor, premarital counseling was “part of the package,” Laura says. During the sessions, child rearing was a topic of conversation, and at that time, the Newberrys planned to raise any children they had to understand both Christianity and Judaism.
After their son, Zakary, 5, was born, “I sort of changed my plan on Chris,” Laura says.
She wanted to become more involved in the synagogue and she wanted Chris to as well.
Twin sisters Asher and Aliyah, 3, have since joined Zakary.
“I never had a problem with the kids being raised Jewish,” says Chris, 33. “I also didn’t want to give up Christmas, Easter.”
Chris says his attachment to Christmas in particular wasn’t so much a religious one. Instead, it was important for him to continue his family’s traditions.
Laura, too, wanted to hold on to what she knew.
A member of Chris’ family suggested that Zakary be baptized as a way of welcoming him into the church, but Laura knew that’s not what she wanted.
“I knew I didn’t want him baptized because he’s Jewish,” Laura says.

Learning as they go along
Bonnie Sitman and Don Briggs are charting their course as their children grow.
Sitman attended Hebrew school through her high school year, though her Jewish family is not overly religious. Briggs was raised in a Christian household.
Their daughter, Malika Briggs, 7, has asked questions about why some members of her family are Christian and some are Jewish.
“People had mentioned to me that it would become an issue,” Sitman says.
The Shepherdstown couple also has a son, Ilan, 5.
Briggs does not belong to a church, so Sitman takes her children to youth-oriented services at Congregation B’nai Abraham. She also has done presentations about Hanukkah and Passover at her children’s schools.
Malika attended Hebrew school for one year but, “we have to figure out the religious education part,” Sitman says. “Our path is making up our way as we go along.”
Sitman is open to her children’s questions but doesn’t draw out conversations about how the religious backgrounds of she and her husband differ.
“I know they aren’t going to listen to me lecture about it,” Sitman says.

Finding middle ground
Being an interfaith couple is a gift as well as a challenge, says Mary Helene Rosenbaum, executive director of Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources in Boston, Ky.
Interfaith couples need to talk about the ethnic and cultural aspects of their values, as well as the “warm fuzzies from your childhood,” Rosenbaum says in a telephone interview. She recommends getting another party involved in the discussion, perhaps a knowledgeable clergyperson.
Rosenbaum says that she doesn’t believe turning to the Bible for answers is always a good idea; she believes it can be too much of a “hot button,” and can trigger a lot of emotions.
Couples who come from different religious backgrounds should read books about each other’s faiths, Rosenbaum says.
“You really need to immerse yourself in your partner’s religion,” Rosenbaum says.
For interfaith couples whose members both are religious, Rosenbaum says, “Recognize the plus in that situation: Both of you have similar values.” Such a situation may be easier than having one parent who is religious and one who is not, she adds.
Even if a couple decides that only one faith will be practiced by its children, the parent who does not practice that faith should not become a marginal player, Rosenbaum says.
“It’s possible to do this without creating an armed camp,” Rosenbaum says.
Those who prefer to educate their children about both parents’ faiths and let them make up their own minds need to provide some guidance.
“View it as a journey” to pick a faith, Rosenbaum says.
Rosenbaum speaks from experience. She is Catholic and her husband, Stanley Ned Rosenbaum, is a Conservative Jew. They raised three children, who now are in their 30s, and let them decide what religious paths they wanted to follow.
“Everybody said we would destroy our children’s lives,” but that didn’t happen, Rosenbaum says.
Their two sons and one daughter have chosen to practice Judaism.
Rosenbaum recalls that when her daughter was 2, she asked her father if she was Christian or Jewish. His response: “Your mother is Christian, your dad is Jewish and you are a little girl.”

Handling the holidays
For many individuals, the holidays are associated with longstanding family traditions. Merging histories from disparate faiths can complicate things, but also can add dimension to a family’s experiences.
The Newberrys celebrate Jewish holidays with Laura’s family and Christian holidays with Chris’ family, always at Laura and Chris’ home.
“Any reason to celebrate,” says Laura, 33.
When Laura celebrated her first Christmas, she says, “I felt like a 2-year-old” because it was so fun. “Christmas is really interesting to me,” she says, though she admits that having a Christmas tree in her home still makes her uncomfortable at times. “It’s taken some getting used to.”
Sitman voices the same discomfort with bringing the symbols of Christmas into her home.
Her family displayed its first Christmas tree two years ago and adorned it with Briggs’ ornaments.
“That was a big step for me,” says Sitman, 45. “I just can’t have a lot of it in my house.”
Briggs likes to exchange gifts to celebrate the solstice, while his family presents gifts at Christmas, and Sitman’s family exchanges gifts during Hanukkah. Sitman, Briggs and their children also attend community holiday celebrations.
The Anckers do their best to celebrate both Bahá’í holy days and Christian holidays, with Christmas being a definite favorite.
“We DO Christmas,” says Robyn. That means creating homemade gingerbread houses and stockings, baking cookies and cutting down a tree on which to display ornaments.
“I try to make Christmas more about the tradition,” says Robyn, who is in her mid-30s.
“It doesn’t bother me,” says Robert, 37, even though Bahá’ís typically
don’t celebrate Christmas.
When their schedules permit, the Ancker family attends community gatherings on Bahá’í holy days. Robyn says members of the Bahá’í community typically say prayers and share readings relevant to the holidays, then share in some fellowship.
Gifts are exchanged at Ayyám-i-Há, the days before the 19-day fast that precedes the Spring Equinox, Robert says. The Spring Equinox marks the Persian new year, he says. The connection to the Persian new year is relevant because the Bahá’í faith was founded by a Persian nobleman named Bahá’u’lláh, which means “the glory of God.”
While Robyn says she typically is the social director, Robert is a driving force behind the Bahá’í things in which the family participates.

Keeping an open mind
Interfaith couples need to keep their minds open and be flexible, Robyn Ancker says.
“I have to say, of all the stressors in my life, I really don’t think being in a two-faith household makes the list. In fact, I would consider it a blessing that helps open all of our eyes,” Robyn writes in an e-mail after a face-to-face interview.
Robert Ancker says he and Robyn are open-minded and have similar goals and ways of looking at things, which helps keep their household running smoothly.
They are striving to raise independent-minded children and are not so concerned about what faith, if any, they choose, Robyn says. Sitman says Briggs has helped her expand her thinking.
“We’re people. It’s not so important what you call different facets of your spirituality,” Sitman says. What really matters are values, she adds.

Resources
In this cyber age, the Internet is the resource that most easily connects people whose choices are unconventional, so it is a great source of information for those parenting in a dual-faith family.
Any standard search engine will bring up useful links. Here are a few Web sites to begin with:
GeoParent.com is a site that offers an interfaith parenting forum, with a message board on which visitors can post questions or receive information. It includes a link to free newsletters by e-mail.
Suite101.com offers articles about interfaith parenting and links to other relevant Web sites, including ParentsPlace.com, Dovetailinstitute.org and the Interfaith Marriage Page.
Belief.net links to books, videos and other resources for sale, and offers such articles as “How an Interfaith Family Prays.”
Parent-to-be.com and Interfaithfamily.com publish articles about merging traditions in families. Lchaimbooks.tripod.com offers reading resources for sale, and the book sites Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com and booksamillion.com have many relevant titles available.
- Compiled by Maggie Wolff Peterson

Some suggested reading for interfaith couples:
* “Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two Faiths in One Marriage” by Mary Helene Rosenbaum and Stanley Ned Rosenbaum
* “Dovetail: A Journal by and for Jewish/Christian Families,” published bi-monthly by The Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources
* “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis
* “What is a Jew?” by Rob Morris Kertzer
— Source: Mary Helene Rosenbaum, executive director of Dovetail
Institute for Interfaith Family Resources in Boston, Ky.

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