Praise
Author: By Marsha C. Chwalik

When it comes to praising children, a few kind words can go a long way. But one local parenting expert advises parents to choose those words carefully.
Early Childhood Training Specialist Janet Aitchison, of the MountainHeart Resource and Referral Agency in Martinsburg, says frequently repeated, vague words of praise lose their meaning with children.
“There’s a difference between ‘praise’ and ‘encouragement,’” Aitchison says. “Praise can be something not specific, said in passing. It can become like saying ‘OK’ at the end of each sentence.”
That means when your 4-year-old is holding her latest masterpiece up for your approval, the “Nice job, honey,” thrown over Mom’s shoulder might not do the job.
If a child hears, “That’s a lovely picture – you’re such a good artist,” no matter the quality of the work or the time he put into it, he might begin to think, “No matter what I do, I get the same response,” according to Aitchison.
Instead, Aitchison suggests being specific about whatever work or accomplishment you’re critiquing.
“Say, ‘I like that red flower,’” suggests Aitchison. “When you’re zeroing in on something you see, it tells them you’re actually paying attention. Isn’t that what we all want?”

‘Accentuate the positive’

While we try to instill good habits in our children and eliminate bad habits, Aitchison says it helps to stay positive
“I like the way you shared that truck with Johnny,” she says, giving an example. “It needs to be specific; otherwise it becomes meaningless. We all need encouraging, no matter what age, especially if it’s something we’ve been working on.”
It takes an effort, but according to Aitchison, parents should get out of the habit of zeroing in on a child’s negative behavior.
“Constant correction makes them feel oppressed; it wears them down,” she says. “Hearing ‘No. Stop. I told you not to do that,’ makes them feel ‘I’m not capable or competent.’
“If you spend a lot of time in a negative environment, you’ll become negative,” Aitchison says.
Instead, she advocates “positive direction, not negative correction.”
“Say ‘Use your spoon,’ instead of ‘Don’t use your fingers,’” she suggests.
“As in all things, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease,” Aitchison says. “‘Don’t pull the cat’s tail.’- that’s what we focus on because that’s what drives us crazy,” she says. “It takes a conscious effort to pay attention to the things we want to encourage, the good things we want them to do.”
Aitchison offers some words of encouragement to get parents started:
“I like the way you … (made the bed, fed the dog without being reminded)”
“In all ages, keep it simple,” she says. “Children take direction all day long. Everywhere they go, someone tells them what to do.
“Children hear the first three to five things you say,” Aitchison says, “so make those first three words count.”
When older children ask for your opinion about an assignment or work of art for school, Aitchison advises being honest.
For example, if your daughter brings an art project to you with a “What do you think?” Aitchison suggests getting her to talk about the process.
“Ask ‘what do you think?’ Create a dialogue with open-ended questions so they can let you know more about the process,” she says.
From there, the two of you can come up with ways to improve the project – something vague praise couldn’t accomplish.
A child isn’t fooled when she throws something together at the last minute and gets resounding applause for her shoddy work, Aitchison says.
“They know what they’re capable of,” she says.
Encouragement that’s positive and honest will have a greater impact on the child, according to Aitchison.
“If you are encouraged to be a capable, competent person, that’s who you’ll be,” she says. “The more capable and competent they feel, the more open they’ll be to doing new things.”

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