Dealing with Divorce
Author: By MELANIE MULLINAX

Whether they are laughing together sitting in the bleachers at one of their children’s sporting events, enjoying a lighthearted impromptu family dinner or supporting each other as they prepare their oldest child for college, it is obvious that Laura and DeMarchi “De” Spears, and Kevin and Kaley Crosen share a close bond.
That bond is Nicole, 18, and Derek, 15, the children of Laura Spears and Kevin Crosen.
The laughing, supportive, friendly foursome is part of a growing number of stepfamilies working together to make the effects of divorce less traumatic for the children involved.
Laura Spears and Kevin Crosen were married in 1986. After becoming parents to Nicole and Derek, the couple separated in 1993, later divorcing. They both remarried, and with the support of their new spouses have found a way to successfully blend their families with a unique co-parenting style that includes spending time together as one big family.
“It wasn’t always like this,” Laura Spears says. “We were a normal divorced couple. We probably didn’t get along great and I know it made it uncomfortable. Sometimes you just have to forget about the past, let go and focus on the kids.”
Over the past four years, the Spearses and Crosens have watched their relationship go from tolerable to a point where they can enjoy their children together with their new spouses.
Laura Spears and Kevin Crosen credit their new spouses for helping them get to a place where they can comfortably share their children’s lives. Both De, Laura’s husband, and Kaley, Kevin’s wife, obviously love Nicole and Derek.
When the two couples are together with the kids, it’s not always clear who the biological parents are. All four joke, laugh, advise and praise the kids equally.
Kevin says the openness, love and support De and Kaley give Derek and Nicole helped him and Laura overcome the uncomfortable feelings that sometimes accompany spending time with your ex-spouse. Referring to De and Kaley, Kevin says, “These guys really made it happen.”
Laura says when the kids entered middle school, the couples saw each other more often at their children’s basketball, football and volleyball games. They politely waved and took their seats on the opposite sides of the gym.
But the situation always felt a little awkward.
“I would always feel bad for Kevin if the kids were sitting with me,” Laura says. “Or I would feel bad if they were sitting with him.”
Then one day, Nicole, who was a high school freshman at the time, came home from a regular visit at the Crosens’ house and asked her mom and De if her dad and Kaley could stay for dinner.
Kaley, who says she doesn’t cook, joked, “We found out they were having something good for dinner.”
“We thought it was so neat that Nicole felt comfortable enough to ask us, so of course we said ‘yes,’” De says.
That dinner sparked a new way of parenting for the Crosens and Spearses.
They began sitting with each other at games, even driving together to away games. They started inviting each other to gatherings involving the children, and eventually they spent time together without the children.
Because of their relationship, Laura says parenting has become much easier.
“³We make a lot of decisions about the kids together,” Laura says. “Anything major, we call each other and discuss it. It’s easier to do this because of our relationship. We can call and bounce ideas off of each other.”
The kids also appreciate the friendship between their parents and new spouses.
“It really makes it a lot easier now, having all four of them around. It’s a lot more comfortable now,” Derek says. “I think we are kind of lucky to have two sets of parents that get along together to make it easy for us to grow up.”
Relationships like that between the Spearses and Crosens are rare, says Ginger O’Connell, a psychotherapist with Blue Ridge Community and Counseling Services Inc. in Martinsburg.
“Most people never reach that ideal situation,” O’Connell says. “But neither do you have to be at odds with each other, constantly feuding about what school the kids go to what orthodontist they see ... You can blow up the bridge after you cross it or leave the bridge in place.
“Part of being adult is taking responsibility. Parents have to be able to give and take. When grown-ups start arguing over the simplest things, they need to step back and realize the power struggle is really between them, not the kids,” she adds.
O’Connell says the greatest gift parents can give their kids after a divorce is to put the children first.
“If there is going to be a divorce, it is so important that the parents remember the children should never be used as pawns and power objects in the relationship they have with each other. It’s very damaging to children. Co-parenting should be about the child, not the parent,” she says. “If there is one thing I could advise couples with blended families or couples divorcing, it would be to protect the children’s ears from all the bad
things that are said at the time,” O’Connell says. “Long after the divorce is done and over, children will remember the negative things that were said.”
“There’s a good rule of thumb before you say or do anything,” says Mary Anne Alderfer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Winchester who specializes in divorce-related issues and stepfamilies. “Ask yourself, ‘is this for my sake I am saying this or doing this, or is this for my child’s sake?’”
Alderfer says stepfamilies are becoming more proactive with their relationships.
“In the last three years or so, I have seen an increase in stepfamily counseling in my practice. I have talked to more stepfamily couples, adolescents in stepfamilies, and once in awhile, a whole stepfamily. I have even had a case where an entire family, including the ex-spouses, came in for counseling,” Alderfer says.
Part of the increase is that stepfamilies and co-parenting issues are a reality in today’s society.
“Sixty-four percent of families today live in some form of divorced and/or stepfamily relationship,” Alderfer says. “We always have to keep in mind that our job is to meet our children’s needs, not our children meeting ours. Harmony is always better for children.
“One of the big issues I see that causes conflict between families is scheduling,” Alderfer adds. “It’s really important to stick with (visitation) schedules, short of emergencies, because everyone is affected when schedules change. If one of the two households is constantly making changes or doesn’t pick the children up on time, it really causes friction among the adults.”
Alderfer says solid stepfamily relationships take time and should be a natural process.
“A stepfamily takes several years to develop into a family unit,” she says. “Contrary to long-held academic beliefs, a stepfamily begins to coalesce at the end of the second or third year, not in six months to a year.”
When stepfamilies are on more solid ground, Alderfer says that is the time to reach out and form better relationships with the ex-spouses’ families, if they choose.
The Crosens and Spearses might be forging a new example of life after divorce for other families, but for now their major concern is the health and happiness of their own children.
Speaking about his relationship with his stepchildren and wife’s ex-husband, De says, “The kids are comfortable and healthy, and it’s a great way for them to grow up.”
Kevin adds, “The bottom line is, we do it for these two (Derek and Nicole).”
For more information about successful stepparenting, Alderfer suggests the book “Family Rules” by Jeannette Lofas.
“This book looks at the stepfamily relationship from everyone’s point of view - the stepparent, the parent, the children. It has a lot of tangible information how to work a situation,” she says.
Alderfer also recommends the Web site www.stepfamily.org.

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