Raising Confident Children
Author: By Lori Rypka

Good parents want nothing but the best for their children: happiness, good health, good grades, nice friends.
Good parents also want to do everything they can for them. But should they?
While the aforementioned goals are great, the broader goal perhaps should be raising a well-adjusted, confident child.
A confident child is competent and responsible, says Ginger Hart, coordinator of Community Agency School Services (CASS) in Middletown, Md., an outreach
program of Frederick County (Md.) Public Schools that works with families of children
ages 18 and younger of all income levels to provide support and access to needed services. A competent child is given a chance to try to succeed, rather than have everything done for him.
Instilling competence begins at an early age and in line with the child’s development.
Children need to be given a sense of responsibility, Hart says. If everything is done for them, they receive the message that they cannot do anything for themselves or for the family, she says.
If a child is ready to take on more responsibility and do so independently, “you need to let it happen,” Hart says. “Just because we can do it easier or better doesn’t mean we should.”
For example, a toddler might not be developmentally ready to bring dinner plates to the table, but she might be able to put place mats on the table. Even if the mats are not in the appropriate places, “if they did their best, let it go” Hart says. “Resist the temptation to run behind and fix it.”
She says it is important for children to participate in tasks that demonstrate helping and give them a sense of accomplishment. If a parent raises the bar too high at first, it’s OK to back off a bit and find a more reasonable responsibility, Hart adds.
Parents should understand that as their child takes on new responsibilities, there is a learning curve - and often a need for extra paper towels for cleanup.
As little ones come into their own, they almost demand that you let them try small tasks, such as pouring their own milk, Hart says.
“At some point you will have to take the chance,” she says.
Parents can give children a better shot at success by giving them a pint-sized milk carton, rather than a gallon jug, to try pouring their first glasses of milk.
Three words often symbolize success: “I did it!”
This is competence, Hart says.
If, however, a child does cry over spilled milk, explain that everyone spills and give her some paper towels to help clean it up, she advises. Let children know it is OK if they don’t do it right the first time and that many tasks take practice, Hart adds.
Competence does not mean a child must excel in everything. In school, for example, some students do well in math, while others shine in language skills.
Children need to know it’s OK if they don’t receive perfect scores in subjects they find difficult, Hart says.
“It doesn’t mean (a child is) a failure because (they) are not good at math,” she says. A child doesn’t have to be good at everything to be competent.
Children should be praised for working hard and making a good effort, Hart says.
A caution on praising: Parents often indiscriminately praise their children for anything they do well. Hart does not advise giving praise across the board because then kids do not get a true sense of their talents.
“It becomes false praise and they know it,” she says.
The ideal outcome is when a child takes pride in himself. Comments from parents such as, “you must be really proud of yourself for doing that” instill this self-pride, she says.
Not every child will be a genius, a world-class chess player or a concert pianist. However, parents often push their children into trying to excel at one or more activity.
Sometimes the best a child can do is be a participant, although “it’s not even necessary to be a participant in all things,” Hart says. “If they have a natural talent of some type, it will let itself be known.”
Hart adds that being able to do a little bit of everything doesn’t instill confidence.

Myths debunked
According to David Shafer, school counselor at Middletown (Md.) Elementary School, there are three main myths with respect to confidence and self-esteem:
1. The world revolves around the child.
2. The child must succeed at everything.
3. Discipline makes children feel bad about themselves.

“Parenting involves discipline and instruction,” Shafer says. “It involves setting goals for our children, teaching them the goals, then patiently but persistently guiding them toward those goals. Discipline, contrary to popular opinion, is far more than correction. It is charting a course for our children, guiding them along that course and firmly but lovingly bringing them back to that course when they stray.”
Instruction, he says, literally means “to place in the mind, with an emphasis on verbal training, from warning and encouraging, to instruction and correcting.”
Parents also are key in helping kids develop proper thought processes that will keep them on a path to confidence. Children often jump to conclusions, magnify and minimize (see negative situations as big and positive situations as small), overgeneralize and externalize, or tend to blame others for problems.
Children who are confident have a sense of security, Shafer says. Having security means kids approach new tasks with enthusiasm, are comfortable about being in school, feel comfortable with authority and generally have a positive outlook on the world. He says confident kids also have a positive identity, a sense of belonging and a sense of purpose.

< < return to article summary | archives > >