Love and marriage after the baby carriage
Author: MAGGIE WOLFF PETERSON

Remember when you were first married and you did it a lot?
You did it spontaneously, whenever you were in the mood. No planning
required.
“It” could have been dinner in a restaurant, a last-minute movie date or even some close snuggling with the lights low. You did it whenever you wanted.
Then the babies came and with them, routines. By the time the puréed pears and rice cereal were eaten, the bath was given and a fresh sleeper was in place, you were tired.
And all you found yourself talking about was the baby, anyhow: What she ate, when she played, how long she napped. You, who used to talk about projects and ideas.
Where did your fun, exciting, magical marriage go?
In an ABC News report, William Doherty, a family therapist and author of “Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart,” said 70 percent of couples say they are less satisfied with their marriage after kids came along.
“The idea is not to let your marriage slide because of the busyness of taking care of the kids,” said Susan Vogt, a writer of marriage and parenting books with Loyola Press, whose “Marriage Moments” appear on the Web by subscription (susanvogt@fuse.net). “Children take the time right off the top.”
Vogt has been married 32 years and has four children, the youngest of whom is 18. She said the hardest time is in the first years of marriage, when children are small and their demands are many.
“Their needs are so immediate and so loud,” she says.
Parents can get distracted from each other, and lose touch with what bonds them as a couple.
In an article titled, “Don’t Lose Your Marriage to Your Kids,” the Web site ThirdAge (www.thirdage.com) suggests methods for taking back the romance and togetherness that get lost as children take precedence.
Limiting outside commitments, such as soccer, dance lessons and band, may go against the current practice of enrolling children in multiple activities, but it allows couples to find time for each other at the end of the day.
Controlling children’s bedtimes is another way. Establishing fixed bedtimes allows parents to anticipate the hour at the end of the day when the two of them will be alone.
Wild romance doesn’t have to be the goal. But a 15-minute, uninterrupted conversation each evening over a cup of coffee in the kitchen can do wonders for communication.
Vogt’s number-one suggestion is to schedule date nights weekly. These don’t have to be complicated events with a restaurant dinner and a movie, she says.
“People think of a date in too confining terms,” she says.
In the early years of their marriage, Vogt and her husband each took successive naps on a date-night afternoon, taking turns watching the children while the other slept. That allowed them to stay up late after the kids went to bed.
“We set up a space in our house where we could make it date-like,” she says. “Anywhere with candlelight.”
Often the date merely was a game or two of Scrabble, Vogt says.
“The ground rules were, we didn’t talk about problems or the kids or money,” she says.
If children are old enough, tell them that daddy and mommy need time alone together to make sure their marriage stays strong, ThirdAge says. That sends the message that you two still are special to each other.
When the kids are old enough to spend a few minutes alone, parents can take an after-dinner walk around the block.
Doherty says parents should make a practice of offering each other a kiss goodnight every night, with the understanding that it need not lead to more. The point is to touch base with each other routinely.
As for the bedroom, it should be private space, even as the place the two of you use for serious conversations. ThirdAge suggests letting kids know that if the door is closed, they are not to intrude, and they are to knock only if something serious is happening, such as a sibling getting hurt.
Arguments are inevitable. But if the kids see you fight, they should see you make up, ThirdAge suggests. And never complain about your spouse to your children, says ThirdAge, because doing so gives them the message that their emotional relationship with you is more intimate than the one you have with your spouse.
The Web site Psych Central (psychcentral.com) offers “The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples,” which includes the admonishment that there are some disagreements that may never be bridged. Agree to disagree, it suggests, and expend energy on working around the problem.
Remember that eventually, it will just be the two of you again. And it will be sooner than you think.
It’s natural for kids to become significantly independent long before they leave home as young adults. The two of you will be alone together as soon as the kids are old enough for overnights at their friends’ houses.
You don’t want to lose the courtship skills that sustain romance.
Even while the kids are young, put them to bed early, and practice, practice, practice!

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